Audience
Václav Havel
CHARACTERS
Brewmaster Ferdinand Vaněk
PLACE
A Brewery Office
(Brewmaster’s office. Stage right, there is a door. Above it hangs some sort of a framed certificate. A
wardrobe and a filing cabinet, on top of which there is a collection of beer bottles, stand stage left.
Upstage, on the back wall, a large crude painting portrays the good soldier Švejk and the inn-keeper
Palivec. A decorative sign under it proclaims: LIVING IS EASY WHERE BREWERS
KEEP BUSY. An office desk and three chairs take up the centre of the stage. The desk is littered
with stacks of various forms, several empty beer bottles, and beer glasses. A case of beer lies on the
floor beside the desk. An undefined mass of junk is piled up along the walls and in the corners –
broken valves, an old radio, a broken-down coat rack, stacks of yellow newspapers, galoshes, and so
on. As the curtain rises, the Brewmaster is sitting by the desk in a work smock, supporting his head
in his hands, and snoring loudly. Moments later, someone knocks on the door. The Brewmaster
wakes up immediately.)
BREWMASTER Come in –
(Vaněk enters, wearing a heavy workcoat and boots.)
VANĚK How are you –
BREWMASTER Oh, Mr. Vaněk! Come on in! Have a seat –
(Vaněk sits down timidly.) How about a beer?
VANĚK No, thank you –
BREWMASTER Oh, come on! Why not? Go ahead and have one –
(Brewmaster pulls a bottle out of the case, opens it, pours beer into two
glasses, pushes one in front of Vaněk while downing the other one quickly.)
VANĚK Thank you –
(Brewmaster pours himself another glass. Pause.)
BREWMASTER Well? So how is it goin’?
VANĚK Fine, thank you –
BREWMASTER Like there was any choice, right?
VANĚK Right.
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER So what are you up to today? Rollin’ the full barrels?
VANĚK No, the empties actually –
BREWMASTER A little better than them full suckers, ain’t it?
VANĚK Yes, it is –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER So who’s pushin’ the ballbusters today?
VANĚK Sherkezy1 –
BREWMASTER He made it in this morning?
VANĚK Yes, he just came in –
BREWMASTER Plastered as usual?
VANĚK Somewhat maybe –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Drink up! Why ain’t you drinkin’?
VANĚK Thank you, but I’m not used to drinking beer –
BREWMASTER You bein’ serious?! Well, don’t worry, we gonna break you in
over here. Oh yeah, you gonna get used to drinking beer, no
problem. We all drink it here, everybody – it’s kind of like a
tradition or something we got in this brewery –
VANĚK I know –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER And don’t you let it get you down –
VANĚK I am not down –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER So how’s everything else?
VANĚK Such as what?
BREWMASTER Like everything in general –
VANĚK Oh, not too bad, thank you –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER So you like it here?
VANĚK I do –
BREWMASTER Things could always be worse, right?
VANĚK I guess –
(Brewmaster opens another bottle and pours himself beer.)
BREWMASTER A guy’ll get used to just about anything, right?
VANĚK Yes –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER So kill that, will ya!
(Vaněk empties his glass; Brewmaster refills it.)
VANĚK Oh no, not any more, please –
BREWMASTER What are you talkin’ about? You ain’t even started tastin’ it yet!
(Pause.) So what about the people here? You gettin’ along with
everybody?
VANĚK Fine, thank you –
1 Sherkezy, though he never actually appears on stage, is also mentioned in Dienstbier’s
Reception, where he is referred to as the prison’s dope expert and expert tattooer.
139
BREWMASTER If you don’t mind me givin’ you a little tip, I wouldn’t wanna get
too close to any of these people here – Me, I don’t trust
anybody! People are real assholes! Real assholes! You’d better
believe it. So you just do your job – don’t get into no deep
discussions – that really ain’t worth it – especially in your case –
VANĚK I understand –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER In point of fact, what the hell was this stuff you been writin’ – if
you don’t mind me askin’?
VANĚK Theatre plays –
BREWMASTER Theatre plays, huh? So they played ‘em in some theatre
somewhere, or what?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER Oh, yeah, yeah – So theatre plays, huh? Listen, that bein’ the
case, you oughta write somethin’ about our brewery here.
Somethin’ like about somebody like Bureš – D’you know Bureš?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER Hell of a character, ain’t he?
VANĚK Yes –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER But – anyway, I betcha this never even crossed your mind, right?
VANĚK What do you mean?
BREWMASTER Well, that you gonna end up rollin’ em in a brewery one day –
VANĚK Well – (noncommittal)
BREWMASTER Them is the paradoxes of life, right?
VANĚK Well –
BREWMASTER Boy, I’ll tell you!
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER You said you’re rollin’ the empties today?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER But yesterday it was them full suckers – I saw you myself –
VANĚK Sherkezy was off yesterday –
BREWMASTER Oh yeah, right –
(Pause.)
Well, we ain’t never had a writer in here yet – And we’ve had ‘em
all, I tell ya! Like take Bureš! D’you know what he used to be? A
gravedigger! That’s where he learned to tip’em and that’s why he
came to us here – That guy’s full of stories, I tell ya!
VANĚK I know –
BREWMASTER So what the hell were them plays about?
VANĚK Mostly about office people –
BREWMASTER Oh, office people, huh? For real? Well –
(Pause.)
D’you take your break yet?
VANĚK Not yet –
BREWMASTER Well, you can take it later. Just tell the guard at the gate that you
been in my office –
VANĚK Thank you –
BREWMASTER And quit thanking me all the time, will ya?
(Pause.)
Anyway, I do respect you –
VANĚK Respect me? Why?
BREWMASTER It’s gotta be a bitch – After you been sitting at home all your life
– where it’s nice and warm – sleeping as long as you wanted to
every morning – and now outta the blue this – Seriously now,
that I gotta lotta respect for –
(Pause.)
Excuse me –
(Brewmaster gets up and leaves. Vaněk quickly pours his beer into the
Brewmaster’s glass. A few moments later, the Brewmaster returns, zipping
up his fly. He sits back down.)
So you like used to actually know all kinds of actresses when you
used to write for them theatres?
VANĚK Of course –
BREWMASTER So d’you know Bohdalová,2 too?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER I mean you personally?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER So maybe you could invite her over one of these days for a few
beers – We’d get Bureš in on it, too – Could be hell of a good
time, what do you think?
VANĚK Well –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Don’t you let it get you down!
VANĚK I’m not down –
(Brewmaster gets up, opens another bottle, and pours himself beer. Pause.)
BREWMASTER You know that young guy from upstairs? You know who I’m
talkin’ about?
VANĚK Mlynařík?
BREWMASTER Watch your step around that guy –
(Pause.)
And Karel Gott,3 d’you know him, too?
2 Jiřina Bohdalová is a popular stage and television actress in Czechoslovakia.
140
VANĚK Yes, I do.
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER It’s too bad you wasn’t here some five years ago! You would’ve
seen a hell of a gang here! Today, it ain’t nothin’ like it no more.
Yeah, we used to have a good time around here. A bunch of us
used to get together at the maltroom – myself, this guy Kája
Mařánek, he’s gone, Honza Peterka, the girls from the bottling
plant – we even been known to party all night long – and we still
got everything done, too? Just go and ask Honza Peterka, see
what he says –
VANĚK He’s already told me about it –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Is there a lotta dough in them plays?
VANĚK It varied a lot –
BREWMASTER Well, you gotta clear at least five thousand, right?
VANĚK It all depends on how many theatres produce it – Sometimes you
make quite a bit of money – At other times, you don’t make any
at all –
BREWMASTER Like for a whole month even?
VANĚK Even several months –
BREWMASTER So it’s got its drawbacks, too, don’t it? Just like everything else,
right?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER But anyway, them’s the paradoxes, right?
VANĚK Uh, huh –
BREWMASTER Boy, I tell you –
(Pause.)
. You’re not drinkin’ a goddam thing!
VANĚK But I am drinking.
(Brewmaster opens another bottle and pours beer for both of them. Pause.)
BREWMASTER Listen, I’m gonna tell you somethin’ – strictly between you and
me – if anybody else was sitting in my place here – you would
not be working here today – I’ll guarantee you that much –
VANĚK Was there a lot of problems with this?
BREWMASTER You can say that again!
VANĚK I feel really obliged to you –
3 Karel Gott is a successful popular singer, one of the few who move relatively freely across
the border to the West and back. He has made numerous recordings in Czechoslovakia,
Germany, and Austria. It may be of interest that Milan Kundera calls Gott an exponent of
“music minus memory, the music in which the bones of Beethoven and Ellington, the dust of
Palestrina and Schönberg, lie buried” (The Book of Laughter and Forgetting [New York: Knopf,
1981], p. 181).
BREWMASTER You understand I’m not out to make a big deal out of this – but
when I see that I can help somebody, why wouldn’t I help him? I
just got this kind of a mentality even today still! In this situation
– people should help each other in my opinion – today I scratch
your back, the next time you scratch mine – ain’t that so?
VANĚK Yes –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER D’you take your break yet?
VANĚK Not yet –
BREWMASTER Well, you can take it later. Just tell the guard that you been in my
office –
VANĚK Thank you –
BREWMASTER And quit thanking me all the time, will ya!
(Pause.)
Lemme tell ya, these days everybody’s afraid of gettin’ their tits
caught in the wringer –
VANĚK I know –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER The important thing is that we’re all in the same damn boat here,
so let’s act like it –
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER You know I don’t know how you feel about it, but I’ve always
said, you gotta have teamwork. A good team’s the key to
everything –
VANĚK I agree –
BREWMASTER So why ain’t you drinkin’? You’d rather be sippin’ a little wine,
wouldn’tcha?
VANĚK Well –
BREWMASTER Here you’re gonna get used to drinkin’ beer. We all drink beer
here, everybody – It’s kind of like a tradition or something we
got in this brewery –
VANĚK I know –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER But Karel Gott’s got it made these days, don’t he?
VANĚK I suppose so –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER You married?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER Any kids?
VANĚK No –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Like I said, you got my respect –
141
VANĚK Oh, please –
BREWMASTER No seriously! This’s gotta be a bitch to get used to –
(Pause.)
Excuse me –
(Brewmaster gets up and leaves. Vaněk quickly pours his beer into
Brewmaster’s glass. A few moments later, Brewmaster returns, zipping up
his fly. He sits back down.)
So how old is she?
VANĚK Who?
BREWMASTER Bohdalová –
VANĚK About forty-three or so –
BREWMASTER You serious? She sure don’t look it on TV –
(Pause.)
No, but really: Everything will come out all right, so long we all
hang in there together – so long we all act like we’re all in the
same boat – like I said: A good team’s the key to everything –
(Brewmaster opens another bottle and pours himself more beer.)
Too bad you weren’t here about five years ago. Then you
would’ve seen some teamwork around here. Today, shit! Today I
don’t trust nobody here –
(Pause.)
So who the hell is this guy Kohout?
VANĚK What Kohout?
BREWMASTER Some Kohout was supposed to visit you –
VANĚK That’s one of my colleagues –
BREWMASTER Some kind of a writer, too?
VANĚK Yes. Why do you ask?
BREWMASTER No reason.
(Pause.)
Don’t get the wrong impression, Vaněk. I got my share of
problems here, too –
VANĚK Yes?
BREWMASTER Why d’you think they stuck me in this dump? But I’m sure you’re
not interested in any of that –
VANĚK I am interested as a matter of fact –
BREWMASTER You know what I was supposed to be doin’?
VANĚK What?
BREWMASTER I was supposed to be running a brewery in Pardubice –
VANĚK Seriously?
BREWMASTER And look at me! I’m here – Them is the paradoxes, right?
VANĚK Why didn’t you go there?
BREWMASTER Let’s just drop it.
(Pause.)
You married?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER Any kids?
VANĚK No –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Listen, it ain’t any of my business, but you should tell that
Holub4 guy not to come around –
VANĚK You must mean my colleague Kohout –
BREWMASTER And what did I say?
VANĚK You said Holub –
BREWMASTER Who cares! Look, it ain’t none of my business – I don’t even
know that person – I don’t know who he is or anything – I’m
just tellin’ you this, because it’s in your own interest –
VANĚK Well I’m sorry, boss, but I –
BREWMASTER Man, you’re suckin’ on it like it was some French cognac, or
somethin?
VANĚK I’ve told you I wasn’t used to it –
BREWMASTER Gimme a break!
VANĚK No, seriously –
BREWMASTER Or maybe it’s that I just ain’t good enough for you to drink
with–
VANĚK Oh no, not at all –
BREWMASTER Well, you know I ain’t no pop star like Gott or nothin’. I’m
just your everyday brewery hick –
VANĚK You’re a professional at what you do just like Gott is at what
he does. So what happened that you didn’t go to Pardubice?
BREWMASTER Let’s just drop it –
(Brewmaster opens another bottle and pours himself beer. Pause.)
It’ll all be okay, Vaněk! Don’t you worry, I won’t let you down!
You’re a quiet, hardworking guy. You check in regular every day,
you don’t talk crap like all the others, you don’t beef about the
pay – and considerin’ the shortage of man-power, eh?
VANĚK I am very grateful to you –
BREWMASTER Besides, you are a decent guy, I can tell, I got a nose for that. I
can spot a ripoff artist from a mile off. That Mlynařík from
upstairs –know which one I mean?
4 Miroslav Holub (born 1923), a distinguished Czech scientist, is also a well-known poet
whose work is available in English. The confusion of the names of Kohout and Holub
provides linguistic humour in Czech which gets lost in translation: the Brewmaster mixes up
not only writers but also bird species (Kohout means rooster and Holub means pigeon in
Czech).
142
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER I got his number the moment he turned up. Watch out for him
–
(Pause.)
VANĚK So why didn’t you go to Pardubice?
BREWMASTER Let’s just drop it –
(Pause.)
Anyway, Vaněk, me you can count on! I’m standing by you –
VANĚK Thank you –
BREWMASTER All I need from you is to be sure I can count on you, too – that
you ain’t gonna pull the rug from under me – that I’m able to
lean on you –
VANĚK I’ll do everything I can to make sure you’re satisfied with my
work.
BREWMASTER Look, I didn’t have to tell you a goddam thing! By rights, I
shouldn’t’ve even mentioned anything to you! In my position,
everybody else would’ve –
VANĚK Excuse me, but what were you not supposed to tell me?
BREWMASTER Well, the stuff about that Holub –
VANĚK Kohout –
BREWMASTER Lookit, I dunno what kind of a guy he is, and I don’t even wanna
know either. I don’t care about him – fuck him, okay – you are
what’s at stake here, right? All in all, you ain’t got it so bad here –
you roll your empties – everybody’s stayin’ off your back – that
Kohout guy ain’t gonna give you a job now, is he, if I can’t swing
keepin’ you here, right? Or is he?
VANĚK It’s not very likely –
BREWMASTER So you see my point! So why the hell not be sensible about it,
man!
(Pause. )
VANĚK Boss –
BREWMASTER What?
VANĚK I am sorry, but I –
BREWMASTER You what?
VANĚK I can see whomever I want to, after all –
BREWMASTER And am I tellin’ you any different? You see whoever you feel like!
That’s your constitutional right! Don’t let nobody bull-shit you
about that! Don’t let nobody take that away from you! Because
you are a man and not some old sock or somethin’! This here is a
matter of principle, damn it!
VANĚK So you see yourself –
BREWMASTER And he’s gonna understand it that way, too, that Kohout guy.
He’s gotta understand that you’re gonna see whoever you wanna
see! Or won’t he?
(Brewmaster opens another bottle and pours himself beer. Pause. )
VANĚK Boss –
BREWMASTER What?
VANĚK It’s time for me to go –
BREWMASTER What’s the big hurry?
VANĚK They’ll be looking for me in the cellar –
BREWMASTER Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke! They got Sherkezy down
there, don’t they? You sit here and drink!
(Pause. )
You don’t care why I never made it to Pardubice?
VANĚK I do.
BREWMASTER For real?
VANĚK Really! Why didn’t you go there?
BREWMASTER You know what they did to me? They accused me of splitting
five hundred barrels of lager – this surplus we had here – with
this one restaurant manager. Ain’t that somethin’? The whole
thing didn’t happen that way at all of course, but this son of a
bitch – this Mlynařík from fermenting upstairs – you know who
I’m talkin’ about?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER That’s just to show you what kind of folks you’re dealin’ with here!
Me, I don’t trust nobody here! People are assholes, you know! Real
assholes! You better believe me! Just do your job and don’t get into
no deep discussions here – that really ain’t worth it – especially in
your case –
VANĚK I understand –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER D’you take your break yet?
VANĚK Not yet.
BREWMASTER Well, you can take it later. Just tell the guard that you been in my
office –
VANĚK Thank you.
BREWMASTER And quit thanking me all the time, will ya!
(Pause.)
Excuse me –
(Brewmaster gets up and leaves. Vaněk quickly pours his beer into the
Brewmaster’s glass. A few moments later, the Brewmaster returns, zipping
up his fly. He sits back down.)
So when you gonna bring her over?
143
VANĚK Who?
BREWMASTER Bohdalová, for Chrissake!
VANĚK I’ll ask her when I get a chance –
BREWMASTER So how about inviting her for this Saturday?
VANĚK This coming Saturday?
BREWMASTER Why the hell not?
VANĚK I don’t know if she’d have the time –
BREWMASTER For you, she’ll make the time, right?
VANĚK You know actors have all kinds of commitments – their time is
booked up way in advance – they can’t just start changing
everything –
BREWMASTER Well, of course if you don’t think we’re good enough for her
here, then you don’t have to invite her at all –
VANĚK No, I don’t – think that at all –
BREWMASTER I’m not gonna twist your arm about it – Seemed to me we
could of had some fun here –
VANĚK Well –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER And don’t you let it get you down!
VANĚK I’m not down!
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Listen, Ferdinand – you’re Ferdinand, aren’t you?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER Listen, Ferdinand, I wanted to have a word with you –
VANĚK I know –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Why the hell aren’t you drinkin’?
VANĚK As I said before, I’m not much of a beer drinker –
BREWMASTER Over here, everybody’s a beer drinker –
VANĚK I know –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Listen, Ferdinand – can I call you that?
VANĚK Of course –
BREWMASTER What would you say if we put you in charge of the warehouse
here? That wouldn’t be bad, would it? In any case, you are a
pencil-pusher, you ain’t no ripoff artist, so? You’re not gonna
keep on rollin’em ballbusters with the gypsies down there
forever! The warehouse is warm – you’d close it up around
lunchtime, tell ‘em you’re straightenin’ stuff out – and you’d have
a little time to dream up a few jokes for them plays of yours –
hell, if you wanted to, you could even catch a nap in there – what
do you say?
VANĚK You think that it would be possible?
BREWMASTER Why wouldn’t it be possible?
VANĚK Naturally, I am not in a situation where I can pick and choose –
but if there really should be such a possibility, I’d really think that
it would be just outstanding – I am pretty much organized – I
can type – I get by in a few foreign languages – and you know
that it can get really cold down in the cellar – particularly if one
isn’t used to it –
BREWMASTER That’s just it. You understand what evidencing is?
VANĚK I’m sure that I can learn – I do have four semesters of economics
–
BREWMASTER Oh yeah? So you understand evidencing then?
VANĚK I’m sure I can learn –
BREWMASTER It’s warm in there – you’d lock up at lunchtime – you’re not
gonna keep on rollin’em ballbusters with the gypsies forever!
VANĚK Well, if there were to be an opening like that –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER No, no, no Vaněk! I can spot a ripoff artist from a mile off!
You’re a straightshooter, I’m a straightshooter, so I don’t see
why we can’t get together on this! What do you say?
VANĚK Yes, of course –
BREWMASTER So you’re all for it?
VANĚK Of course –
BREWMASTER If you don’t want to, then tell me! Maybe you don’t care to form
a team with me – maybe you got somethin’ against me – maybe
you just got some other plans –
VANĚK I have nothing against you – on the contrary – you’ve done quite
a lot for me – I feel obliged to you – particularly if the warehouse
should work out – naturally, I’ll do everything I can to make sure
you’re satisfied with my work –
(Brewmaster opens another bottle and pours beer into both glasses.)
BREWMASTER So we can drink to that?
VANĚK Yes –
(They both drink.)
BREWMASTER Bottoms up!
(Vaněk struggles to empty his glass; Brewmaster immediately refills it.
Pause.)
And don’t you let it get you down!
VANĚK I’m not down –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Listen, Ferdinand –
VANĚK Yes –
144
BREWMASTER We’re buddies, right?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER You’re not just sayin’ that?
VANĚK No –
BREWMASTER So you trust me?
VANĚK Of course I do –
BREWMASTER Hold it: No bullshit now, you trust me?
VANĚK I trust you –
BREWMASTER All right then – I’m gonna tell you somethin’ – but this is strictly
between you and me, okay?
VANĚK Okay –
BREWMASTER I can depend on you now?
VANĚK You can –
BREWMASTER So listen – (He lowers his voice.) They come here to ask about you –
VANĚK Who does?
BREWMASTER They do, who else –
VANĚK Really?
BREWMASTER I swear –
VANĚK And you get the feeling that – as far as my job here at the
brewery – that it may be on the line?
(Pause.)
Are they putting pressure on you to fire me?
(Pause.)
Or are they holding it against you that you’ve hired me?
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER All right – I’m gonna tell you somethin’ – but this is strictly
between you and me, okay?
VANĚK Okay –
BREWMASTER I can depend on you now?
VANĚK You can –
BREWMASTER All right – If there was anybody else sittin’ here in my place, you
wouldn’t be workin’ here, I’ll guarantee you that! Need I say
more?
VANĚK Yes, of course – I feel very obliged to you –
BREWMASTER I’m not fishin’ for no compliments here –
VANĚK I know that –
BREWMASTER It’s just to let you know how things stand –
VANĚK Thank you –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Excuse me –
(Brewmaster struggles to get up and exits on unsteady feet. Vaněk quickly
pours his beer into Brewmaster’s glass. A few moments later, Brewmaster
returns, zipping up his fly. He sits back down.)
You ever got it on with her?
VANĚK With whom?
BREWMASTER Bohdalová, for Chrissake –
VANĚK Me? No –
BREWMASTER You sure?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER Then you’re just a wimp in my book!
(Pause.)
VANĚK Boss –
BREWMASTER What?
VANĚK It’s time for me to go –
BREWMASTER What’s the big hurry?
VANĚK They’ll be looking for me in the cellar –
BREWMASTER Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke! They got Sherkezy down there,
don’t they? You sit here and drink!
(Pause.)
Listen, Ferdinand – you’re Ferdinand, aren’t you?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER Listen Ferdinand – I can call you that, can’t I?
VANĚK Go ahead –
BREWMASTER Hold it, I’m makin’ sure I ask first, so you don’t get pissed off at
me, or somethin’.
VANĚK Why would I get pissed off?
BREWMASTER With you, I never know where the hell I’m at – you don’t say shit
– God only knows what the hell you’re thinkin’ – all you ever say
is “yes, boss,” “thank you, boss” –
VANĚK I was brought up that way –
BREWMASTER Whereas me, I’m just an ignorant brewery hick! That’s what you
meant, didn’t you? Don’t tell me you didn’t –
VANĚK I did not –
BREWMASTER Right, let’s cut out this bullshit – so at least I know where I’m at
here –
VANĚK I don’t think badly of you, really I don’t – on the contrary –
BREWMASTER So we’re buddies then, right?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER So you trust me?
VANĚK I trust you –
BREWMASTER All right then. Look, I happen to know one of them that come
here on account of you – we went to school together – I know
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him pretty good – his name is Tonda Mašek – he’s an all right
guy, at least I get along with him okay –
VANĚK Good for you –
BREWMASTER It’s not like he is a big shot over there – because that he ain’t –
but he did help me out a couple of times – and I don’t know
when I’m gonna need him again – besides which, like I said, he’s
an all right guy – so I just – well, to make a long story short – I
just couldn’t leave him hangin’, you understand?
VANĚK I understand –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Well – why the hell you starin’?
VANĚK I’m not staring –
BREWMASTER Well, say it then, what you’re thinkin’! Go ahead and spell it out!
VANĚK I’m not thinking anything.
BREWMASTER Don’t tell me! I know exactly what you’re thinkin’ right now!
Except you probably don’t realize that if I didn’t promise to do
it, they would’ve found somebody else, and that would’ve been
even worse, because then it wouldn’t ‘ve been nobody straight
like me for sure! Because I’m always gonna level with you, unlike
most other people, that’s just the kind of mentality I got – even
today still! And that’s your only break, if you wanna know
somethin’. Because people are real assholes! Real assholes! Or do
you think you’re gonna run into another dumb fucker like me,
who’s gonna spill the beans like this? You believe that and I’ll
give you a great deal on a bridge downtown! Where the hell do
you think you live anyway?
VANĚK I do value your honesty, of course –
BREWMASTER D’you have any idea of the chances I’m takin’ by levelling with
you here? How am I ever gonna get even with you, if you
doublecross me? I’m puttin’ myself completely into your hands
here, for Chrissake!
VANĚK I won’t say anything to anybody –
BREWMASTER Then you’re gonna write it down somewhere! You’re gonna put
it in one of them plays – they’ll confiscate it from you – and me,
I’ll be completely washed up!
VANĚK I’ll keep this to myself, you can depend on that –
BREWMASTER For real?
VANĚK For real –
(Brewmaster opens another bottle and pours himself beer. Pause.)
Boss –
BREWMASTER Uh huh –
VANĚK If it were to work out – I mean the warehouse business – what
about old Šustr?
BREWMASTER What about him?
(Pause.)
But anyway – Them’s the paradoxes, right?
VANĚK Well –
BREWMASTER Boy, I’ll tell you –
(Pause.)
VANĚK Boss –
BREWMAST£R Uh huh.
VANĚK Getting back to the warehouse – you think that they’d allow it?
They must know that it’s pretty warm in there –
BREWMASTER They don’t know shit!
(Pause.)
You married?
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER Any kids?
VANĚK No –
BREWMASTER I got three myself. Just so you know –
(Pause.)
VANĚK If it came to it, you could argue that I’ll be more isolated from
other people there –
BREWMASTER Listen, Ferdinand –
VANĚK That’s what they’re concerned about, isn’t it, that I don’t come
into contact with people?
BREWMASTER Listen, Ferdinand –
VANĚK That could have the desired effect, right?
BREWMASTER Listen, Ferdinand –
VANĚK Yes?
BREWMASTER Do you play poker?
VANĚK No –
BREWMASTER I do – we used to have this pretty good bunch of guys – we’d get
together every Thursday, you know – and what do you think
happened? I had to blow it off, too, on account of this Lojza
Hlavatý –
VANĚK Uh huh.
BREWMASTER Just to show you that none of us got it easy –
(Pause.)
Listen, Ferdinand –
VANĚK Yes?
BREWMASTER You know my old lady?
VANĚK No –
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(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Listen, Ferdinand –
VANĚK Yes?
BREWMASTER Everything’s all fucked up –
VANĚK I know –
BREWMASTER You don’t know shit! You’ve got it made! You write your damn
plays – you roll your barrels – and they can all go to hell for all
you care! What more do you want? The fact is, they’re even
afraid of you, man!
VANĚK That I would doubt –
BREWMASTER They sure are! But what about me? Nobody gives a damn about
me! Nobody’s sendin’ no reports about me nowhere! They can
squeeze me every time they feel like! They got me by the balls!
They can squash me like a bug – whenever they decide! Like a
goddam bug! You – you got it made!
(Pause.)
Listen, Ferdinand –
VANĚK Yes?
BREWMASTER But you’re gonna bring that Bohdalová around, ain’t you? You’re
not gonna just blow it off? Right? You’re not just gonna forget
about it?
VANĚK You can depend on that – I’m going to give her a call tonight
and I’ll set it up –
BREWMASTER You think she’ll come?
VANĚK I’ll do what I can –
BREWMASTER You two are buddies, ain’t you?
VANĚK Yes, that’s true –
BREWMASTER Hold it. You said you were buddies –
VANĚK We are –
BREWMASTER Hold it. So are you buddies or are you not buddies?
VANĚK I said we are –
BREWMASTER So what’s the hitch?
(Pause.)
She can see whoever she wanna see, damn it!
VANĚK Of course –
BREWMASTER That’s her constitutional goddam right!
VANĚK Of course –
BREWMASTER This is a matter of principle, goddam it!
(Pause.)
And anyhow – nobody ever needs to know who brought her
here! We’ll just turn it into a Friendship-with-the-workin’-masses
kind of thing! They can’t find anything wrong with that!
VANĚK I agree –
BREWMASTER So you gonna get her to come?
VANĚK I’ll do whatever I can – I’ll give her a call tonight – we are friends
– there is nothing wrong with this –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER Listen, Ferdinand –
VANĚK Yes?
BREWMASTER If you only knew how sick I am of all this shit!
VANĚK I understand that –
BREWMASTER You don’t understand didley! You’re just sayin’ to yourself – He’s
stupid – let him talk it out of his system –
VANĚK I’m not thinking that –
BREWMASTER Why ain’t you drinkin’?
VANĚK I am drinking –
BREWMASTER D’you take your break yet?
VANĚK Not yet –
BREWMASTER Fuck the break –
VANĚK I don’t feel like eating anyway –
BREWMASTER I may be stupid, but I’m callin’ it like it is –
VANĚK I know that –
BREWMASTER I wanted to have a talk with you –
VANĚK I know –
BREWMASTER People are assholes! Real assholes! Why ain’t you drinkin’?
VANĚK I am drinking –
BREWMASTER D’you take your break yet?
VANĚK Not yet –
BREWMASTER Hell you – You got it made –
VANĚK I feel obliged to you –
BREWMASTER Everything’s all fucked up –
(Brewmaster opens another bottle and pours himself beer. Pause.)
Listen, Ferdinand –
VANĚK Yes –
BREWMASTER You don’t mind me callin’ you Ferdinand and all?
VANĚK No –
BREWMASTER If you do, just lemme know –
VANĚK I don’t mind –
BREWMASTER Well, at least you don’t mind –
VANĚK On the contrary. I’m glad we became acquainted –
BREWMASTER “I’m glad we became acquainted” – “I do value your honesty” –
why the hell do you talk so – so –
VANĚK Bookishly?
BREWMASTER Yeah –
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VANĚK Well, if it irritates you, then –
BREWMASTER Nothing irritates me – I do value that we became acquainted –
Shit!
VANĚK Sorry?
BREWMASTER Shit!
(Pause.)
VANĚK Excuse me –
BREWMASTER What?
VANĚK I have to go –
BREWMASTER What’s the big hurry?
VANĚK They’ll be looking for me in the cellar –
BREWMASTER Fuck’em if they can’t take a joke! They got Sherkezy down there,
don’t they? You sit here and drink!
VANĚK Seriously – They’ll be upset –
BREWMASTER I get it, now I’m borin’ you, huh? I know that with Karel Gott
and Bohdalová, you used to have better parties!
VANĚK I feel good here talking with you, I wouldn’t want people to start
commenting about this – that wouldn’t make sense – particularly
now that there is the prospect of a job in the warehouse –
BREWMASTER You really feel good here?
VANĚK Really –
BREWMASTER You’re not just sayin’ that?
VANĚK No –
(Brewmaster opens another bottle and pours himself beer. Pause.)
BREWMASTER Ferdinand –
VANĚK Yes?
BREWMASTER You know the worst thing about it?
VANĚK What?
BREWMASTER That I’m runnin’ outta ideas about what to keep on tellin’em
every damn week – I really don’t know the first thing about you
– I hardly ever even run into you around here – and the little
bullshit gossip I do catch up here – that you go hide out in the
lab – that they saw you downtown a couple of times with
Maruška from the bottling plant – that the maintenance guys did
some work on your heating system at home – that ain’t shit! You
tell me – what the hell am I supposed to tell ‘em all the time?
What?
VANĚK I’m sorry, but I can hardly help you in this –
BREWMASTER Sure you can! If only you wanted to –
VANĚK Me? How?
BREWMASTER You’re what they call an intellectual, right? You keep up with
politics, don’t you? You’re writing stuff, ain’t you? Who the hell
should know whatever the fuck it is they wanna know if not you?
VANĚK I’m sorry, but this would –
BREWMASTER Look, in the warehouse, you’d have tons of time – so what’s
wrong with jottin’ somethin’ down on paper for me once a week?
You could do that much for me, couldn’t you? Look, I’m gonna
take care of you! You’ll be happier there than a pig in shit! You
can even take beer back there – as much as you want, too! It
would be child’s play for you! You’re a writer, damn it, right?
This Tonda Mašek really is a decent guy and he really does need
it, so we can’t just leave him hangin’! Damn it, didn’t we just
finish sayin’ that we’re all in this together? That we gotta give
each other a hand? That we’re gonna be a team here? Didn’t we
just toast to that now? You tell me – did we or did we not just
toast to that?
VANĚK We did, but –
BREWMASTER Right now it’s all up to you, Ferdinand! If you take care of us,
everything’ll turn out great! You’ll scratch my back, I’ll scratch
his, he mine and I’ll scratch yours – so nobody’s gonna get
shortchanged in the deal. Let’s not make life hell for each other!
(Pause.)
Well, why you starin’?
VANĚK I’m not staring –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER You’d have direct control over what – they’re gonna know about
you – that ain’t too damn shabby either –
VANĚK I know –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER And that warehouse would be pretty good for you, too, wouldn’t
it? It’s warm – tons of time –
VANĚK That would be excellent –
(Pause.)
BREWMASTER So – what the hell’s the issue here?
(Pause.)
VANĚK Boss –
BREWMASTER What?
VANĚK I really am very grateful to you for everything you’ve done for
me – I appreciate it, because I know better than anybody how
rare this attitude is these days – you really gave me a lift, because
I seriously don’t know what I would have done without your
help – that warehouse job would mean even more of a relief to
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me than you might think – but I just – don’t be angry with me –
I can’t be snitching on myself –
BREWMASTER What do you mean snitch? Who’s talkin’ about snitchin’ here?
VANĚK It isn’t because of me – it couldn’t hurt me any more – but it
really is a matter of principle! I just cannot, as a matter of
principle, become a part of –
BREWMASTER A part of what? Go ahead and spell it out! You can’t be a part of
what?
VANĚK A part of a way of doing things that I don’t agree with –
(A short, tense pause.)
BREWMASTER. Well. So you can’t. You can’t then. That’s great! Now you’re
showin’ your true colours! Now you’ve really said it all!
(Brewmastergets up and begins pacing nervously around the room.)
And what about me? You’re just gonna let me sink, right? You’re
just gonna say, fuck you! It’s okay if I end up being an asshole!
Me, I can wallow in this shit, because I don’t count, I ain’t
nothin’ but a regular brewery hick – but the VIP here can’t have
any part of this! It’s okay if I get smeared with shit, so long the
VIP here stays clean! The VIP is worried about the principle! But
he don’t bother thinkin’ about other people! Just as long as he
comes out smellin’ like a rose! The principle is dearer to him than
another human being! That’s typical of all of you!
VANĚK Who?
BREWMASTER You, damn it! You intellectuals. VIP’s! All that stuff’s just
smooth bullshit, except that you can afford it, because nothin’
can ever happen to you, there’s always somebody interested in
how you doin’, you always know how to fix that, you’re still up
there, even when you’re down and out, whereas a regular guy like
me is bustin’ his ass and ain’t got shit to show for it and nobody
will stick up for him and everybody just fucks him and everybody
blows him off and everybody feels free to yell at him and he ain’t
got no life at all and, in the end, the VIP’s will say, hell, he ain’t
got no principles! A soft job in the warehouse, you’d take that
from me – but to take a piece of that shit I gotta walk knee-deep
in every damn day along with it, that you don’t wanna! No way!
You’re all too goddam smart, you got everything worked out
ahead of time, you know exactly how to look out for yourselves!
Principles! Principles! Damn right you gonna fight for your damn
principles – they’re worth a fortune to you, you know just how to
sell them principles, you’re makin’ a killin’ on them, you’re livin’
off them – but what about me? I only get my ass busted for
havin’ principles! You always got a chance, but what kind of a
chance have I got? Nobody’s gonna take care of me, nobody’s
afraid of me, nobody’s gonna write anything about me, nobody’s
gonna gimme a hand, nobody’s interested in me, all I’m good for
is to be the manure that your damn principles gonna grow out of,
and to scare up heated rooms so you can play heroes! And
lookin’ like a damn fool gonna be all I’m gonna have to show for
it! You’re gonna go back to all your actresses one day – you
gonna floor’em with how you rolled barrels – you gonna be a
hero – but what about me? What can I go back to? Who’s ever
gonna pay any attention to me? Who’s ever gonna appreciate
anything I did? What the hell do I ever get out of life? What’s in
store for me? What?
(Brewmaster is crushed. He drops back into his chair, puts his head on
Vaněk’s breast, and begins sobbing loudly. After a few moments, he calms
down, looks up at Vaněk, and says quickly)
Ferdinand –
VANĚK Uh huh.
BREWMASTER You my buddy?
VANĚK I am –
BREWMASTER Please go and get her – bring her over right now – I beg you –
(Pause.)
Tell her “Jiřinka – I got this one buddy back there – he’s a
regular brewery hick – but he calls it the way it is” –
(Pause.)
I’m gonna fight like hell and get you the warehouse job – I’m not
gonna ask you for no reports – just do this one thing for me,
please –
(Pause.)
Are you gonna do that much for me? You are gonna do it for
me, right? For one damn evening – I’ll be okay after that everything’s
gonna be different after that – I’m gonna know I
didn’t waste my life after that – that fucked-up life I got ain’t
been all the way fucked up – you gonna bring her?
(Pause; then Brewmaster grabs Vaněk ‘s clothes and begins to scream
desperately into his face.)
If you’re not gonna bring her over here – I – I dunno – I might –
I might –
(Brewmaster begins to sob again, quietly, and he puts his head on Vaněk’s
breast. Pause. After a while, Brewmaster’s sobbing turns into loud snoring.
Vaněk waits for a few moments, then gently lays Brewmaster’s head on the
desk of the table, gets up quietly, and heads for the door. He stops there,
149
turns around, hesitates for a moment, and finally says to the sleeping
Brewmaster)
VANĚK Don’t let it get you down –
(Vaněk exits. Soon thereafter, there is a knock on the door. Brewmaster
wakes up immediately, completely sobered up after his short sleep and
behaving exactly the way he did in the opening scene of the play. He has
evidently forgotten everything that has gone on.)
BREWMASTER Come in –
(Vaněk enters, zipping up his fly.)
Oh, Mr. Vaněk! Come on in! Have a seat –
(Vaněk sits down.)
How about a beer?
(Vaněk nods; Brewmaster pulls a bottle out of the case, opens it, pours beer
into two glasses, one of which he pushes in front of Vaněk. Vaněk downs it
quickly.)
Well? So how is it goin’?
VANĚK Everything’s all fucked up –
(Curtain falls.)
THE END
150